Angry Little Tree

A few weeks ago I was visiting New York for work, and I was stuck on the runway while JetBlue played musical chairs with its queued up planes. I flipped on the little in-flight TV and started channel surfing, only to discover Bill O’Reilly solemnly announcing that his Crime Expert had some Starting And Disturbing News to announce. I’ll just let the transcript speak for itself:

"Well, you know, there is this national underground network, if you will, Bill, of women that's lesbians and also some men groups that's actually recruiting kids as young as 10 years old in a lot of the schools in the communities all across the country, and they actually carry a number of weapons. And they commit a number of crimes. "...We've actually counted, just in the Washington D.C. area alone, that's Washington D.C., Maryland, and Virginia, well over 150 of these crews.... And they -- like I said, they recruit these kids to be members of these gangs. As a matter of fact, some of the kids have actually reported that they were forced into, you know, performing sex acts and doing sex acts with some of these people. "It's all over the country. I mean, you go from New York to California to wherever you want to name, you can see these organizations. Now, the other thing, too, that our viewers are going to find very, very interesting, is the fact that they actually carry -— some of these groups carry pink pistols. They call themselves the pink-pistol-packing group. And these are lesbians that actually carry pistols. That's 9-millimeter Glocks. They use these. They commit crimes, and they cause a lot of hurt to a lot of people."

Quick show of hands, here – does anyone think that passes the smell test? If nothing else, the idea that a hardcore lesbian gang is going to name itself “The Pink Pistol Packing Group” is hilarious. Maybe they publish a comic called Dykes For Which One Should Be Alert.

Rob Wheeler, the Crime Expert who offered up these pearls of wisdom, has posted a convenient retraction on his web site:

During the O’Reilly Factor segment on June 21st, while engaged in a discussion on Lesbian gangs, I inadvertently stated that gang members carry pistols that are painted pink and call themselves the "Pink Pistol Packing Group." I was not referring to the gay rights group "Pink Pistols" who advocates for the lawful rights of gays to carry weapons for protection. Further, I mentioned that there are "over 150 of these gangs" in the greater Washington DC area. What I actually meant is that there are over 150 gangs in the Washington DC area, some of which are in fact lesbian gangs. Lastly, I mentioned in the segment that there is this "national epidemic" of lesbian gangs. A better choice of words would have been to say that there is a growing concern nationally, and especially in major urban areas, of increased gang activity, which includes some lesbian gang activity.

In other words, I completely BS’d my way through a gay-menace segment on national TV. But statistically, there HAVE to be SOME lesbian gangs out there, right? Right?

Next up? Middle-class white guys who eat their neighbors: A growing trend!